You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Randomize
