do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
