I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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