My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
