So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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