1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
