my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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