If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
