Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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