ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
