hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
