I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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