were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize