Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
