i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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