Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How does one acquire holy water?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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