When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
