My friends, they love my intelligence
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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