that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
