life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm too high and old for this...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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