What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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