Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
