If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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