We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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