i already hear my dad disowning me
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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