Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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