where am i from again
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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