I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
