Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
we're so committed to being not committed
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
