so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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