pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
