My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The beer is more important than you right now.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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