Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
