I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
