so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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