he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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