No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
being pregnant is like rehab
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
