you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
