you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
