Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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