you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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