Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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