...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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