Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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