look no pants
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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