My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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