Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize