I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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