can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize
