I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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