I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
