What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
