First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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