I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
