yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
