My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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