He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
