I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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