I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Every concussion has its silver lining
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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